I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
