I wish my penis had an off switch
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Two words: blizzard sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
