textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm too high and old for this...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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