Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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