I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
