My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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