I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
