Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
