Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
