All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
