I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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