If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
