That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
