I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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