Your dad touched me again.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
