I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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