When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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