I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
