I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
