Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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