we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
