im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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