I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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