Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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