Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize