im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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