I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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