Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize