Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
