I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
