Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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