They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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