I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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