Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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