my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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