It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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