Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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