you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
