And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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