One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
