I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
