He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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