My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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