The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
