just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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