Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
