theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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