i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
