god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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