laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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