I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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