oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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