Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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