Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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