So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
