would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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