now i know why i became what i already was.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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