i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
